Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
