I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize