I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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