When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Even my vagina gasped.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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