Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
