apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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