I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
