You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
