yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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