I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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