I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
