a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
