The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
