i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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