I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
