I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
