Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
