How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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