The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
