literally had 100 drinks last night.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
