Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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