just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
