Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
