On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
