his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize