I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
