My sheets look like a crime scene.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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