you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize