hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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