I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize