My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
