too bad you live with your parents still
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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