dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
being pregnant is like rehab
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
