If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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