i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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