Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize