I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
