recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
