Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
