On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
