On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
