Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
