so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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