i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
