nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
