Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
