So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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