That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
