I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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