There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
