my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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