Someone shit on the floor
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
