she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
