I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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