i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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