At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need to calm my uterus...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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