I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
