fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
