i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
