So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Randomize
