I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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