You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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