You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
