Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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