Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize