she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
