You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
