thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
